Riley Alexis, 20, lake Constance, Switzerland
Riley Alexis, 20, lake Constance, Switzerland
I think it was more of a process of coming to terms with what it means to be agender and what it means to be non-binary trans. I think early on there was this sort of nebulas confusion. I was aware that I was treated differently, than others. But it baffled me why. Why do we treat a certain group of people differently than another group? And society forced me into this certain group. Where I just didn’t fit in.
At first, I was confused, why do they try to lecture my behaviour to be a certain way. Why can’t I just be me? And I experienced, well, a lot of hate and shame, which eventually I internalized. So I desperately tried to conform. Even though I had this picture of myself in my head for so long. I just couldn’t express that. And every time I tried, society quickly told me where my place was. So it took me years. I was aware all the time that something was not right, that something was not working.
Only after years of intensive research online, I found a great online community of queer and gender-variant people who gave me access to all this information. A place where I felt wanted and where I felt that I belong. A place where I came in contact with these terms and I learned a lot, and all these misconceptions went away.
It wasn’t instantly like a switch. It took time till I started to claim the term agender as my identity. But the feeling that I had to finally have a word to describe myself was incredible, empowering even. Being around people who acknowledged my identity, was very helpful for me – I felt accepted.
I tried different labels to see if this fits for me, and now I kind of stuck with agender. And I believe that comes closest to describe me. I am just simply myself – a human being. I don’t need to conform. And it is not something you choose. I am not able to conform, because I already am who I am. I’m agender. I don’t think that my clothes have any impact on my gender either or what’s so ever. It was more playing. I’ve always been agender and all I do is gender-neutral, just by simply existing.
When I started vocalizing, expressing, and experimenting was around the time where I started claiming these terms as myself, as my identity. It was a time where I put more time, thoughts, and energy into exploring my gender identity and gender expression. And I am still exploring and finding myself.
I think this is something many can relate to – we are always reflecting and figuring out who we are and what we want. It’s a lifelong journey and it’s wonderful – to understand yourself more and more and to learn more and more about yourself over the years.
I think that’s an amazing feeling.
I express my gender for the most part verbally. Because it’s not something you can see. Though I also changed my look. Grew my hair out, wear make-up if I feel like it, dress more androgynously. Whatever makes me feel comfortable and eases my gender dysphoria.
A lot of people have been supportive. My friends are amazing; they’re very supportive and respectful. It took my family some time – but now they are supporting, They try their best, which I am very much thankful for. I also experienced other things – people who were less open-minded, more ignorant. Even insulting. It hurts, especially when you’re related to this person. But I have no time, nor interest in surrounding myself with people who don’t accept me, or who don’t see me, like really see me – my true self.
Facing and dealing with depression, dysphoria and anxiety is quite a struggle on its own. As well as people staring on the streets, or on public transportation – to verbal and even sexual assaults. BUT-I think most frustrating is the feeling of having no self-determination. For everything about you or your body – you have to wait for a doctor’s approval. Document changes, HRT*, etc. takes a lot of time, energy, and money for what is mostly just waiting, frustratingly convincing – where some stranger has more rights about your body than you do. I want to be able to make my own decisions for my own life and body – without needing approval from several doctors, for example for changing my name, it doesn’t make any sense why I need an endocrinologist’s and psychiatrist’s certificate to do so.
I think a lot about frustration – I have no energy, nor interest in society telling me how I should look, what I should do with my body and how I should behave – and all that. I’m tired of people constantly telling me “I should be more manly” or “if you want to be a woman you should do that and that”. It’s exhausting and I am not having it any longer. So for me being agender is also a way of telling society to stop. It’s my body, my life – you have no say on that.
I want people to know that, I am unapologetically myself.
My hopes and dreams are to explore my gender more and get further with my transition, up to a point where I feel at ease with myself. Which is difficult because of surgeries I need that are just way too expensive for me. So I am thankful for everyone who donates and helps and is there. Because experiencing gender dysphoria is intensely draining.
I also want to be more creative, create art, sing and make music, draw, design, collaborate with other artists. Also cats, I want to adopt cats. And maybe living somewhere in a nice small apartment with friends as my roommates in the city and in general having my friends and all close to me and being more around positive and loving people.