JJ, 19, Dublin, Ireland

JJ, 19, Dublin, Ireland

Going back to my earliest memories as a toddler, it was just always in my head that I was a boy. I didn’t know other kids my age so I could never compare myself to anyone else, but like looking at my dad I was like, that’s what I am. It was easier as a kid, people didn’t care about, y’know, roles and stuff, everyone just played together. 

When I was really young, if a dress was put on me I would throw a tantrum. As a kid, I tried to mimic my older male relatives. I think when I was about 6, my mom used to say stop walking like a boy, you [bounce] like a boy. I didn’t even know, it was always just how I walked. And I wasn’t trying to do anything, and people would say, stop walking like a boy.

I went to Catholic school and I grew up in a Catholic family, and I suppose, the biggest, one of the biggest traumas I suppose was the first Holy Communion. Girls wear white dress and boys wear a suit. I remember as far back as being 5 or 6, so years in advance, panicking, I’d have to wear a white dress. I just thought it would be the most irrational thing to say to my parents, I want to wear a suit. Because I’d never heard of someone not wearing a white dress.  When it came to the year the Communion was rolling around we went to the shop, and I didn't even try on the dress. Every other girl I went to school with was so happy, it was their big day, it was her handbag, their new gloves, I didn’t want gloves, I didn’t want ribbons, I wanted the thing off me as quickly as I could. I’d see my male friends come up in their suits. I felt like, kind of an agony that my friends were there getting photos in their suits and. I suppose especially in an Irish childhood, it’s such a landmark occasion, and because it was so big, I felt like I was losing the battle with the significance of the event. 

We were on holiday, my aunt and my mum had bought a load of magazines in the airport just to read. There was an article in one of the magazines, it was very basic, rudimentary language like ‘I take injections to grow a beard and ‘I was born a girl, but now I’m a man,’ and ‘I loved playing with cars as a girl when I was growing up,’ and ‘now I see women, but I’m a man,’ and ‘My name is’-his name. I can’t remember his name, and it was a photo of a man with his baby pictures as a girl, and that’s when the penny dropped off.  It was like okay, there is a way out of what I’m going through right now and I don’t know why or how you get injections to grow a beard but I need injections to grow a beard. If I can grow up to look like that then I think I’ll be okay. There was no word transgender, it was just like I do this to do that, that’s what I need to do and all.

I thought, I can’t tell anyone about this, because then they’re never going to understand. Like how do you point to the photo and say ‘Mom, when I grow up, I need to be a man.

I felt hopeful, I thought, there was like a plan B.  I was pre-puberty, I was a child, with a child’s body, and it was like, I can grow up to look like my friends, or my dad, or uncles, or whatever. I always knew I was a boy, and if someone would say to me, ‘Oh you’re a girl or like ‘You need to dress like a girl or ‘Those are boys clothes,’ I’m not an outspoken person I don’t have a temper so I just internalize all of that anger, and it was like a voice, screaming in my own head, ‘I’m a boy!’ and I never screamed that out loud. Iit was something I just locked away within myself and carried, and it was like, okay, I know I’m a boy, and now I can become, and look like a boy in the future. 

At 15, I was talking to a friend who was suicidal. I texted him and I asked ‘What’s going on, we need to talk,’ he said ‘I have this thing, and I don’t think anyone will get it if I tell’ I asked’ ‘What?’ and he said he’d come to the conclusion that he was transgender. That meant that he identified as a boy, and he needed to become male. My literal response was ‘Me too.’ And, actually having a word, of okay, I’m transgender, I have a label, well not that labels are important, but it was a bit like, all these feelings I feel can be categorized into a thing, and I think that saved both our lives.

When puberty started at 13, I think I’d never been diagnosed with depression, but that was when I felt this sadness that I’d never felt before. And it was like I need to stop this, and I don’t know how to stop this like how does a kid knock on their mom’s door and say mom my body is changing, and I can’t, because, I want to rip this skin off my own body, that, no-one should feel like that.  how to vocalize that.

On graduation from High school. My mom asked me what I was wearing for graduation. I think I was just wearing a shirt and a jumper, and she said no! You’re not dressing like an old man, you have one graduation, we’re doing this right. We went clothes shopping and there was an argument about shopping in the men’s or the women’s. In the middle of the shop floor, I had to explain to her that I can’t shop in the women’s. It’d be like asking her to shop in the men’s. We got an outfit in the men’s section. I felt nice. I rolled up to graduation and everyone else is dolled up and they’re in their makeup, they’re in their dress and they’re like, you look so good. People were just like, yeah, this is you, and you weren’t going to wear anything else. My English teacher was there, and she said JJ your shoes are amazing.  I told her, my mom picked them 

It wasn’t till graduation day that I actually had the courage to tell everyone. I started with a teacher, my English teacher who I’m still extremely close with, I wrote her a letter and it was basically a big long letter, I said, by the way, it’s only JJ, and she emailed me back and was like, it’s JJ from now on. She said she always knew. 

The night before our graduation ceremony, I changed my name on Facebook to JJ. And, even then it wasn’t a proper coming out, I said hey guys, I’ve changed my name. The next day It was graduation so I’ve got nothing to lose. I told everyone, and people were crying, people were reaching out to hold my arm. And, it just felt so natural for me to be able to say, yeah, this, this is who I am, and they were just like, y’know you’re so brave. A lot of people said yeah, it makes so much sense, it just made graduation so special. Yeah, people were just like, yeah.

I always swore it to myself, it would be my 18th birthday that I’d tell my mom. I still hadn't told her. I waited—cuz, you’re 18, you’re an adult. I just didn’t want to hear you’re too young, and it was a landmark milestone. I woke up like, I’d been planning it for 2 years, my friends knew for 2 years that it was coming, and I didn’t know how it was going to go, I was terrified. I, I planned for the worst, and yeah. I’d planned for the worst, covers everything, I deactivated all my social media. The worst being that I was gonna get kicked out, and, that I wouldn’t see my 19th birthday. 

I deactivated everything, and I remember the morning of my birthday, my phone was exploding with messages and everyone was like I’m so proud of you, do this. I went into my room and wrote this letter and we were actually away on holiday. Two friends were there, and they were like oh my god you’re actually doing it and I was shaking, and I remember, all I could remember writing it was, this is the hardest thing I’m ever gonna have to do.